I plan to be setting off this coming week - first destination England to see family and friends. Tried to book the ferry to Hull this morning but there's a hiccup - something to do with sold-out tickets!!! I had a nasty experience a couple of years ago booking bus-tickets online for the South of France - my booking didn't go through, so I tried again, same problem, so I booked a plane-flight instead. Later I found out to my horror that BOTH bus-bookings had gone through and I lost a lot of money because of the mistake. My mistake for not checking I suppose, but still... anyway, I'm wary, so I'll call P&O ferries tomorrow to see what the problem is and check that I don't double-book.
I'm hoping to get a crossing for Saturday 18th - that'll get me to my sister's house on the 19th, in time for my nephew's 15th birthday - haven't seen him for a few years so I'm curious to see how he's grown. Same goes for my other two nephews - they grow up so fast, the years pass so fast... my own son is 21 this year.
I'm pretty much packed to go, and eager to get moving. It's a strange feeling I get now that I've come this far. Anxiousness dulls my euphoria. I keep telling myself I should be brimming with excitement - this is what I've been dreaming of for years. Instead my head is full of doubts and worry about the unknown ahead of me. I feel that the routine and safety of the normal life I've been living up to now has become so a part of me that any thought of change becomes scary - and this is not like me - or rather isn't like how I used to be. Some people say I'm brave for doing what I'm doing, and I tell them it's easier for me to do this than remain in the normality of convention. But maybe I underestimate myself, underestimate just how big a step I'm taking - and maybe I've overestimated my own spirit of adventure.
However . . . I DO know from experience that I'm just suffering from a normal case of anxiety, and that it will disperse once I'm on the road and living a different routine. I DO trust in my resourcefulness, and in the ways of destiny, fate, opportunity . . . I KNOW that everything is going to be okay. I just have to suffer the negative feelings of this moment and keep myself busy doing practical stuff until my departure. It's interesting though how, despite my heroic alliance to the practice of following one's heart, when it comes tot the crunch, even I am not the free soul I aspire to be.
So just how big a step is this? And why should it matter? . . . I'm rambling - but that's how my mind is at the moment and I can't do anything to stop it - so it's really good that I'm setting off soon - to make the vision a reality - then at least I'll be too busy DOING to concern myself with the "why's" and the "what if's". . .