The concert was good and well received, and I sang again the next night at the campfire - but that was it. No-one came running as fans, no-one asked about my songs or album - everyone was just into their own worlds and holidays. This was a bit of a downer for my ego at first but I decided that maybe this was a chance to learn to detatch myself from the ego for a while. I didn't ask why I wasn't asked to sing again (maybe the owners wren't impressed, or maybe they thought if they asked me they'd have to pay me, being so professional and all!), and I didn't push it, because even though it's advised to sell yourself, that's NOT how I want to be. I'm not doing this to become a successful pop-star, for fame and money and a big ego... that's part of a system of thought and reality that I'm on this journey to escape. It's easy to fall into the trap of doing things the way they've always been done and for the same reasons. This adventure I'm on is more an inner-journey than an outer one. I want to write and sing because I enjoy it and want to share what I have to say, and give pleasure to people. I don't want to try and sell myself to people who are not interested in what I do. I want to find those who are - wherever they may be. And it doesn't matter if it takes forever to find them. And it doesn't really matter if I don't sell my cd's to everyone everywhere fast . . this journey has no time-scale, no deadlines, no particular destination.
So I decided I was going to devote my time here to deeper things. Maybe I was guided here for only that one performance, because that's all it needed to free me from my stage-anxiety - and if that's so then I can go away content and grateful for that. Maybe my audience is waiting somewhere else. I felt at peace with this. I had songs to rehearse for what was to be my next quest - to experience busking (which is an even greater dragon than the last). So this is what I did: relaxed, shed my financial concerns and used the time to get deeper into my connection with the source. This place became a retreat for me. I went jogging, I swam, I soaked up the sun, I did some meditation, I wrote in my journal, I watched some inspiring videos by Wayne Dyer, I wrote some more inspirational quotes on my camper, and I let the days go by with a sense of peace and one-ness in the "here and now".
Thursday 18 July
My time here draws to an end. I leave tomorrow - heading for Germany, which I've decided is the place I want to be to face my busking dragon. I'm looking forward to it immensely, to the opportunities to develop my performing abilities even more and directing them too towards the activity of storytelling. When I look back on this journey so far I realize that I've only been away from Amsterdam a couple of months, and though I haven't yet traveled far in terms of space, inwardly I've come a long way. I 've had one/two performance experiences, but that's all I needed to reach this level of confidence. I've sold no cd's. My funds are diminishing. But I believe I am in tune with the universe to a greater level, and I know in my heart that I'm being guided and supported, and I will not be deserted.