It rained yesterday - I wondered if I was subconsciously manifesting bad weather to make it easier for me to leave. But that would have been unfair to other holiday makers. It didn't last long and the sun shines again, it's going to be a hot day. But I won't be experiencing it here. . .  I leave today. Heading for Germany. I've marked a route out that will cut across the country and bring me across the border close to Freiburg in the southwest of Germany - Black Forest country.

I'm excited and I'm ready. It seems more and more that I needed to be here just for the one performance experience, opening doors to the potential within me. And that the rest of the time here was needed for retrospect and meditation. But a new day dawns and the road calls with the promise of exciting meetings and experiences in music and storytelling and new inspired songs and more diverse life-energies. I'm looking forward to busking and how it will build my confidence more, allowing me to pursue more and accomplish more. 


Two months ago - 19th May - I landed at Hull in England. I didn't know where the road would take me or how things would progress. I was nervous, uncertain, worried about finances, stressed with the pressure of possibly having to return to Amsterdam early and with no great tales to tell or achievements to show. A lot can happen in two months - and for me this "lot"  has happened mostly within me. This has all been preparation . . . the outer journey of music and singing and performing has yet to start - this is the "Minstrel Quest" . . .   and I feel that its time is just breaking .

I'd first booked five nights here - after my singing experience I decided five wouldn't be enough - I felt at home and so I booked another five nights. I had ideas that I would sing regularly, make lots of friends (and fans), sell lots of cd's. It didn't turn out that way at all - seems I was here for other reasons (so I like to think).
The concert was good and well received, and I sang again the next night at the campfire - but that was it. No-one came running as fans, no-one asked about my songs or album - everyone was just into their own worlds and holidays. This was a bit of a downer for my ego at first but I decided that maybe this was a chance to learn to detatch myself from the ego for a while. I didn't ask why I wasn't asked to sing again (maybe the owners wren't impressed, or maybe they thought if they asked me they'd have to pay me, being so professional and all!), and I didn't push it, because even though it's advised to sell yourself, that's NOT how I want to be. I'm not doing this to become a successful pop-star, for fame and money and a big ego... that's part of a system of thought and reality that I'm on this journey to escape. It's easy to fall into the trap of doing things the way they've always been done and for the same reasons. This adventure I'm on is more an inner-journey than an outer one. I want to write and sing because I enjoy it and want to share what I have to say, and give pleasure to people. I don't want to try and sell myself to people who are not interested in what I do. I want to find those who are - wherever they may be. And it doesn't matter if it takes forever to find them. And it doesn't really matter if I don't sell my cd's to everyone everywhere fast . .  this journey has no time-scale, no deadlines, no particular destination.
So I decided I was going to devote my time here to deeper things. Maybe I was guided here for only that one performance, because that's all it needed to free me from my stage-anxiety - and if that's so then I can go away content and grateful for that. Maybe my audience is waiting somewhere else. I felt at peace with this. I had songs to rehearse for what was to be my next quest - to experience busking (which is an even greater dragon than the last). So this is what I did: relaxed, shed my financial concerns and used the time to get deeper into my connection with the source. This place became a retreat for me. I went jogging, I swam, I soaked up the sun, I did some meditation, I wrote in my journal, I watched some inspiring videos by Wayne Dyer, I wrote some more inspirational quotes on my camper, and I let the days go by with a sense of peace and one-ness in the "here and now".

Thursday 18 July
My time here draws to an end. I leave tomorrow - heading for Germany, which I've decided is the place I want to be to face my busking dragon. I'm looking forward to it immensely, to the opportunities to develop my performing abilities even more and directing them too towards the activity of storytelling. When I look back on this journey so far I realize that I've only been away from Amsterdam a couple of months, and though I haven't yet traveled far in terms of space, inwardly I've come a long way. I 've had one/two performance experiences, but that's all I needed to reach this level of confidence. I've sold no cd's. My funds are diminishing. But I believe I am in tune with the universe to a greater level, and I know in my heart that I'm being guided and supported, and I will not be deserted.

When I set out on this journey I had a number of personal goals to fulfill. For one, I wanted to experience travel again and the freedom of being out of the conventions of normal life. Two: I wanted to bring my music to a wide audience in the hope that I could create a new independent income-source that was not bonded to time and place. More importantly than this though was that I could learn to shed the habits and mind-set which come with leading a conventional life for a long period of time. I was sitting at home wasting away in my comfort of non-activity - I really needed to get out!
It may seem a big risk to quit a job and put all your hopes on a new career as a singer, especially when you have a problem with performing, as I did. But this was also one of my major goals. I always said - if this doesn't work, if I don't sell any cd's, at least at the end of the year I will have become a seasoned, experienced and confident performer which in itself will open new doors of opportunity for me later - I will not be coming back the same person. So this was a quest - to get the experience of performing, build my confidence, free my fears and stage-anxieties. This was, in a practical sense, the most important of my goals.
Back in Amsterdam I'd done a couple of small performances, but I was always nervous, and I didn't enjoy the prospect as it approached. I enjoyed having done it, but I never looked forward to it, which held me back from doing it as often as I needed in order to get used to it, or good at it. This is a conundrum. I need the experience, but I'm too scared to go out and get it. 
In England I didn't pursue any opportunities for performing, and when my friend Nigel in London suggested I could do some "open-mic" sessions on my visit, I pulled the reigns - whoa, I'm still not ready.
I wondered when I would be ready. What situation would arise to inspire and motivate me to take that first step. . .  and HOW MANY steps would I have to take before I started looking forward to performing because I wasn't scared anymore?
I imagined my fear as a dragon that I would have to face and battle and slay at some point on my journey - and it WOULD have to be done - you can't be a singer if you're afraid of singing for a public.
At Terme d'Astor, one Thursday night, I had a concert to give for around 50 people, strangers all of them. A mic and amplifier were set up next to a high stool placed on the intimate terras. When I agreed to do this the day before I was puzzled by the absence of any fear or nerves whatsoever. On the day, and right up to the moment of taking my place on the stool and starting to sing... still no fear. I sang with pleasure for 50 people, talked to them confidently in between songs, and sat and talked and ate with them for a while before I did a second set. I had come to face a dragon, but he never showed up.
For me this is a wonder, a miracle. I still don't understand what it is about this place or situation that has allowed me to shed all my fears of performing, and just do it as if I've been doing it for years. But I don't need to understand, I'm just happy that it is so - because this is permanent. I know I can perform on any stage to any public anywhere - my dragon has fled. And this fills me with excitment for the adventures that are to come.

Terme d'Astor is a naturist camping - just so you know. If I can choose I prefer naturist campings - there's an atmosphere of acceptance and community that you don't find in other campings unless you are a regular there. And there is a distinct feeling of being closer to essence of life, of the source when there's nothing between your spirit and the nature except your naked skin. Personally I think the world would be a better place if everyone were naturists, and I don't understand the fears and shame people have with their own bodies. No-one takes a shower or bath with clothes on, so why swim in them. When it's hot enough to take your shirt off why not also your pants. For me the problems people have with being naked just illustrate the deeper problems they have with their selves. I've heard the remarks: I don't want anyone to see me naked, I don't want to see other people naked, I don't want to be judged because I'm not perfect..... it's not natural!
No-one judges others in naturist surroundings, there's every shape you can imagine here, and if you think you look bad naked you won't look any better squeezed into a bathing suit. But the human body, in all it's imperfections is still perfect in itself, if you view it as a work of art, a sculpture, a painting . And as for being unnatural - there's no argument there. But what gets me is that people don't allow themselves to try it and enjoy it because they let the opinions of others determine what they should or shouldn't do. I don't "go naked" to shock or pose - I go naked because I enjoy being naked in nature under the sun and in the water - and I'm certainly not going to deny myself that pleasure just because others have hang-ups about it. . .  where's the personal freedom in that?
So many of people's fears and anxieties are rooted in adherence to the demands of others, in shame and insecurity - even those who display strong characters outwardly can be plagued with self-doubt and shame which won't allow them to let their guard down. I don't want to be like that - who would? But who isn't?
If you want to get back in touch with the essence of life, then get yourself back to peace, freedom and nature - and if you want to do that, just shed your clothes.

So there I was in Terme d'Astor, sitting on the terras overlooking the pool, thinking - "this I manifested". And it was perfect. I talked to the owners and we got onto me having a guitar, and one thing led to the obvious and I had a gig to play the following night already at the BBQ on the terras.. This I manifested.

I was feeling like I was in my element, and that was so for a number of reasons which I'll mention later - but I realized also that while I was sitting there enjoying the here and now of this situation, my mind was talking to me saying things like "I should have done this right away, missed the beach and come straight here, saved some money and time....."

Typical human programming - what a bunch of negative thinkers we are, always looking for a fault in a situation. In fact if I hadn't gone to the beach I would never have known it wasn't for me, I wouldn't have thought about coming here... one decision led to another and that to another... there's a chain of progression here and you can't skip it. I'm glad I realized this because it reminded me of my deeper goal regarding this journey - it's not about the travel per se, or cd's, or singing . . . it's about me discovering what life is all about by giving myself over to the flow of circumstance and opportunity and synchronicity and seeing where it all leads me. Well it led me to the beach and then to here. Where next I don't know, but that's a later adventure. For the moment I'm here, I'm now, and I'm grateful.

Not having daily access to the internet has thrown me a little off course - and I must admit it's been quite pleasant sometimes to be free of the practice. So I'm well behind on my journal posts. To bring you up to dat I'm going to cover where the road (or the river) has taken me since my Wales festival. Luckily I keep a written journal for myself to delve into.

Sunday June 30
Nigel invited me to London for a few days - today we both set off from Wales. I didn't bother following him, his van rides quicker than mine, and I needed to stop for petrol pretty urgently. So I took my time following the motorway from Swansea straight into the city.
Surprisingly it wasn't such a hassle driving in London - just took me a long time...it is after all about 200 miles. The most annoying was the North Circular ring-road around London...seemed to go on forever. It also took longer than it should have because I stopped halfway for a little snooze - turned out I'd slept for 2 hours... must have needed it.
Evening at Nigels meant a trip to his local to catch up and review the festival. Nice old London pub with cheap beer - even cheaper than the festival - and we ate a sunday roast with it, which was around 4 pounds, so very good value.... and very good to eat too.
The weather was warm - surprisingly... first time in ages I could walk out without socks or winter coat. Later we looked back on old times reviewing Nigels photos from our Naxos days - god we were all so so so young!

Monday July 1 - Wednesday july 3
The rest of the time at Nigels I spent working on the video footage of his concert. It turned out well - he's happy, I'm happy. His girlfriend Cath isn't so happy  - but that's because one of her cats is dying. This is the main reason I left on Thursday...Nigel had been working all week too. I did write the lyrics to another new song - "Same Town". My last night there I met some of Nigels drinking buddies...couple of artists and musicians. Not a bad lot... inspires me to meet people.

Thursday July 4
Set off around 9am to Dover. Uneventful journey, and passed quickly. Big shock when I went to buy the ticket - I'd expected around 30 euro - P&O were asking over a hundred... because I hadn't booked in advance. Went across the hall to a french line and they said if I travel the next morning early I can get the ticket for 39 euros. Done!

Parked the van up on a car-park for 5 euros, it was free from 6pm. Had a walk around the town, ate, Set two alarms for 4 am and went to sleep at eleven.

Friday July 5
Check in went smoothly - had to buy safety-vest and alcohol test kit for France - rip-offs. Ferry trip pretty boring - did remind me of my trip over on the bus to Naxos a littls. Damn cold on board too. In Calais within 2 hours. Parked up and had a walk around... then departed. Getting out was tricky - went round in a big circle and ended up on the motorway for certainty and ease. But I made sure I came off just before the Peage. 
I had a route worked out and no time schedule - the idea was to take it easy and use the smaller roads. Didn't work out that way. The advantage of the motorways is that they have these great "aires" where you can stop as long as you want... even overnight. That's cheaper than having to find a camping, and safer than parking up on the streets.
Goal was to head for the Atlantic coast, cruise down the beaches to meet people while playing guitar on the beach. The idea came from Nigel that I could continue into Northern Spain and cut down through the deserts to Valencia. Seemed like an adventurous idea ( he's done it once on the motorbike)... didn't work out that way either.
Funny - I was so used to driving on the left again - it seemed so strange to return to the right.

Thought I might make Rouen by early evening - have another stop then travel through the night to Le Mans (half-way). Night driving was preferable because of the heat in the camper overday.

Saturday July 6
Near Alencon. Drove through the night til 5'ish. Didn't make Le Mans, but  close enough to be able to make the coast in anothe day/night of driving. Route is changed: Le mans - Tours - bordeaux...on the A10. Stopped eventually at 4am 150 km from Bordeaux... what's the hurry?

Sunday July 7
Slept til 7am. Drove on with a couple of stops - through peage to Bordeaux... paying 49 euros for the privalage. Got lost in Bordeaux, but eventually arrived in the afternoon at Lacanou Ocean. This is not what I was looking for. It was so busy and so hot - no-where to park the camper (especially overnight). I went onto the beach for an hour and realized I couldn't spend a day there without hauling a sunshade, food and water, mat ,towel and my guitar.... just wasn't practical - and that in the hope that people would come and listen to me playing - don't know what was going through my head.
I needed a new plan of action, and that was to head inland again and find some campings in the Dordogne close to all those pretty towns and villages. So I left.
I didn't get far... coming out of Lacanou I passed a terrain reserved for campers - you pay at a machine with your credit card per 24 hours for 13 euros and you get a spot and water and electricity. I did this because it gave me the peace to plan how I was going to progress. I'd thought about finding somewhere with wifi access so I could look up the camping options... well I found it on this spot, all I had to do is purchase access online - 8 euros for 24 hours. Great. Spent the whole evening and the next day online, catching up on my post, sorting my finances, and noting directions to specific campings in the Dordogne. It was a constructive 24 hours.

Tuesday July 9
Getting through and around Bordeaux proved easier second time around. I set off around 10 pm and just followed the ring route around the city and out towards Bergerac. I didn't want to reach it right away because I needed a spot to park up and sleep for the night.
It's dark in the Dordogne region at night and searching for a suitable place I ended up on quiet country roads leading to sleepy villages. Ended up in a village called Les Leves - but I didn't know that til morning. Parked up on the main street (around 1 am) no-one about... woke and moved on around 6.30 am... still no-one about. Found my way to Bergerac and parked up there on the river at another place reserved for campers and had another hour's sleep. Woke again around 9 am and took a stroll into the village... the beautiful old town. I found a nice little cafe terras by a small fountain and ordered a grand cafe... it was small, but I had a good spot to watch the tourists go by and get a feeling for the place. I'd found some articles and forum discussions and videos online about busking in France... I'm thinking I have to get into this, but it's something that scares me, so I was checking out the atmosphere and trying to visualize myself busking.
I got chatting to other people on the terras - a Scottish family at my left, and 2 Dutch families to my right, and before that a couple who'd just flown in from Liverpool.
After a couple of hours sitting and writing, I moved on to find my first camping.

Terme d'Astor was the first on my list - a Dutch camping about an hour from Bergerac. I was banking on them having room for me without a reservation, and I was relieved when I arrived and within another fifteen minutes I'd booked 5 days and was drinking a cool beer on their terras overlooking the pool. No driving for a while. Now I could focus on my music and what I can do with it.... learn a busking set for instance... or even get to sing here for a public.... opportunities, opportunities....

The first time I ever went to a music festival was way back in my early twenties. The location was Stone Henge - I was there with my friend Heather, though I never saw much of her once we arrived. I don't remember much of the music and I spent most of the time alone. The thing I DO remember is taking my first tab of acid, alone, in my tent, and tripping while some band was playing the big stage - I heard the most amazing saxophone solo, which I assume was probably nowhere near as good as I thought it was in my enhanced state. It hasn't stopped me trying to reach that peak in my own playing - without success so far.
I also remember walking around Stone Henge in a time when you were allowed to walk around among the stones and touch them - it does something to you. Such places should never be fenced off.

That's all I remember - and that was the last time I ever went to a music festival. So I was curious about the URBAN ROOTS AND BLUES FESTIVAL. My friend Nigel was playing there with his "band" THE BIG FIBBERS. I'd never seen Nigel play live for years so this was my chance - I also thought it would be a way to visit him without having to drive into London - but that's another story.

Nigel said the festival was small-scale so I'd have no problem finding him - so long as I had no problems finding the festival site... in the middle of Wales at a place with such an unpronouncable name that if you got lost you could never ask for directions: Upper Cwmtwrch !


Well I didn't get lost - just took 6 hours to get there from Staffordshire, and I found Nigel immediately because there weren't more than 30 people when I arrived and there was only one tent, next to the one bar, and Nigel was there. Beer was cheap at 2 pounds 50 a pint, weather was wet, ground was muddy, food was limited to expensive burgers, and the music.... well!
Nigel started the whole thing off with The Big Fibbers and it was a great opening. I was genuinly impressed with their showmanship - and that was the highlight of the whole weekend for me, the only thing better being the Fibbers second performance the following night. I've never really been a fan of blues music, but this was so uninspiring and that's a shame, because I came to be inspired. In a way I was - my thoughts were: if they can do that so can I.
I didn't that weekend, I didn't feel motivated to even join others in the jam tent. I spent the second night, after Nigel's spot, in my camper sleeping. 
So, The Big Fibbers were excellent... and I offered to video their performance, which they accepted of course, since they haven't got any decent footage despite having played many many gigs. The videos are now on YouTube for all to see.

I only stayed til the sunday - Nigel had to be back in London and he invited me to stay for a few days, so I liked that idea better than sticking it out another day at the festival. I'm not saying the festival was a flop or anything - lots of people enjoyed it immensely... it just wasn't my thing....... I wonder what is!

We are the source – so forget the HOW and just imagine the end result.

I've accepted this after an intense two weeks of watching videos of talks given by Wayne Dyer, Mike Dooley, Joel Odsteen and Bruce Lipton. Wayne is my favorite, Mike termed the wisdom above, Bruce adds the astonishing scientific truths, and Joel ties it all to the God angle.... it's all telling the same thing – about us being one with the universal energy/intelligence/source...one with each other. Our goal is to rediscover our link with this source by freeing ourselves from the EGO.

If you want to manifest the life you desire, you've got to start consciously desiring it, and stop living the life that's holding you prisoner.

Look for the miracle in every day... it IS there.

Miracles are around us constantly everywhere. We are the miracle, the world and everything in it is the miracle. We forget this so often and easily. Every day can bring a reminder... a sign, an instance of serendipity, synchronicity, coincidence, opportunity, as if out of nowhere. We see them with surprise when they jump out at us, but they are there always – we just have to learn to see better, and be busy learning to see – exercising your inner-eye as it where, developing your intuition and receptive powers/sensitivity for the messages from the universal source. I believe the world IS an illusion – a matrix of vibrating energy to form the matter that we experience with human senses... but it's our perceptive mind that really sees. You don't have to change your perception to see past the matrix... you just have to remove the filters.

Open Happiness.

I asked a question to do with getting over my anxieties about performing – getting up in front of an audience to confidently sing my songs. This was the answer I recieved: “Open Happiness”. 
As soon as I read it, I knew it was spot on. This answer tells me to free my ego – it's not about me – and approach the matter from the desire to touch people, bring them joy, inspire them towards happiness, and share with them the messages and stories of reflected in my music and lyrics. Lose the ego... that's the message that keeps coming back to me.

27th June

I REALIZE MORE AND MORE THAT IT'S MORE ABOUT THE INNER-JOURNEY THAN THE OUTER ONE.

I've gotten comfortable at my brother's house - it isn't easy to leave. I have a bond with Gary like I have with no-one else... really, it's like talking to myself in the most positive manner.
After all my discussions with Gary and Anna, I feel closer to my heart's journey and desire. Maybe I need their energy and vision more than I need to travel physically... at least for now. Destination Spain has taken on a new dimension with prospect of meeting up with them there... continuing my "inner journey" in their presence.
And through them and together with them, I can find new friends of the same visionary make-up. Through them and with them I can create my desired lifestyle – manifest it much easier because I'm not on my own, not lonely, empowered by their support and love, enhanced by our parallel journeys.
I have nothing to gain or prove by doing it alone.

I don't have to travel much just yet – and I certainly don't have to travel to prove myself. I'm searching for my life, I'm on a journey of discovery, free from place and time. I don't need to cover all of Europe this year just to get my music to the masses – my adventure can be found in my time here in England, and then in Spain – Spain is a big country, I could spend the year just touring around Spain and Portugal ... my album-sales goal can be realized online just through the action of posting song-videos on YouTube – I may not even have to perform that often.